Swing

by Greg Lawless

History of Dance Approximately five hundred thousand years ago the forests of what we would later call "Washington State" saw the emergence of a creature unlike any seen before. Our forefathers, homo danceus. While averaging slightly under five feet tall, homo danceus still closely resembled modern man, except much hairier foreheads, and bright red hineys, the purpose of which is lost in antiquity. Archeological digs show that homo danceus lived in small communal grouping, and had defined roles for members of their society. The men tended to specialize in lifting and throwing heavy objects, hunting, and memorizing sports statistics. A typical conversation would go something like this:
URG: "That A-Roc throw stone far"
LAR: "Choke in playoffs"
The women of the clan also had special responsibilities. They were the gatherers, seeking roots, acorns, and other edible plants. They made the crude spearheads, and as adolescents, endlessly practiced dance moves. A typical conversation among homo danceus women would sound like this:
NEA: "Urg dance like two legged mastodon"
SAN: "Not true, dance like DEAF two legged mastodon"
REST OF WOMEN: "Ha, ha, ha, ...."

Based on their name, as you might imagine, homo danceus gave the world the gift of dance. And while we have progressed significantly since those prehistoric days of long ago, it is my belief that our genetic make up has not altered significantly in a half million years. I come to this conclusion based on our Swing Dance Class.

MODERN TIMES Somehow, I am not sure how, Janine got me to agree to take swing dance lessons. I think what happened was that in 1985 she asked if I would mind taking swing dance lessons in 23 years. I agreed, naively believing she would forget the promise was ever made in that length of time. She didn't. And so I found myself a few weeks ago standing outside a classroom at the Phinney Ridge Center, waiting for our class to start. I started chatting with a few of the guys:
GREG: "Like him or not, that A-Rod is probably the best baseball player of our time"
MIKE: "Except he chokes in the playoffs"
Janine likewise was talking to a few of the women:
JANINE: Does your husband dance well?
SALLY: Like a two legged elephant!
HELEN: Beats mine, he's a tone deaf two legged elephant!!! Rest of the Women: Ha, ha, ha........

The clock struck 7, and it was time to enter. It was interesting to see the women fairly skip into the room. The guys shuffled, heads bowed, looking like they had just been sentenced to be a galley slave on a Roman war ship. From my perspective, the lesson went like this.
INSTRUCTOR: Here's what you do, hold her hand, then do a "rock step, step, step", and then a second basic step, she then goes under the arch, then returns the same way, then do a close stance, then open stance, then the lead lets go and both pass, back to back, then into the open stance. Any questions?
HELEN: Can we do it to music?
GREG: What's a step?

Eventually the instructors drill the basic step into your head, and you find yourself on the dance floor. As you stand on the dance floor, the instructors tell you to "take a closed position". If you could read people's minds, here is what you would hear:
Woman: I shall glide like a swan over still water and shall be one with the music.
Man: If I chew my arm off, I wonder if I could escape.

The music then begins, as does the dance. Now in the movies, during a romantic dance, there is always a meaningful dialog between the couple dancing. That is total fiction. All that dialog in the movies was dubbed in. What was actually spoken in (for example) the Ginger Rodgers Fred Astaire movies was this:
GINGER: "You dance so naturally, so beautifully, are your steps a window to your soul?"
FRED: (muttering to himself) "Step, step, rock step, step......"
GINGER: "I will say it out loud, I love you, yes I love you! Do you love me Freddy?"
FRED: "Step, step, rock step, step, step,...."

As you awkwardly flail around on the dance floor, at least you have the solace of knowing you are doing it with the one you love, and that she will forgive you for your awkwardness. Someday. But you can only hold that thought for about five minutes, when the instructor yells out "leads, rotate". Now the instructors are quick to tell you that you don't have to rotate partners, but that you are a slime eating maggot if you don't. "Besides" they will emphasize" this helps you learn to dance with different partners and ultimately be a better dancer." And they are so right. I have become used to dancing with Janine who is graceful and hears the rhythm of the music. But lets say I get tired of that. Let's say I am at a dance floor and suddenly say to myself, "what I really want to do is dance with someone twice my size who eats garlic, is tone deaf, and has the flu". Before, I would have been reluctant to follow that whim, but having been there, it would seem as natural to me now as having a hang nail.

After you master the basic "step, step, rock step" an endless variety of moves are taught to you, each a little more difficult and each a little more humiliating. I knew I was in trouble when half way through the instructors told us, "Now we are going to do a step where you hop like a sideways bunny". Just when you think you couldn't sink any lower, there is always another one to learn. There's the "barfing hamster" step, the "toes in the nose" step, the "twirling hippo" and of course the "rabid hyenas attacking a wildebeest" step.

Martha Graham, the famed choreographer is known for her quotation, "Dance is discovery, discovery, discovery" Of course she didn't say discovery of what. Now I know.